Corny Dad Jokes For Little Kids
What do you call a dancing cow?
Where do cows go on Friday nights?
To the moo-vies!
What animal cheats at games?
What did the banana say to the dog?
Nothing. Bananas can’t talk.
What do you call a funny mountain?
What did one block say to the other when he was ready to leave the party?
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it!
What do you get when you put cheese next to ducks?
Cheese and quackers!
What do you call a fake noodle?
Why can’t you trust atoms?
They make up everything
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck
What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car?
Who did the zombie take to the dance?
What washes up on really small beaches?
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
What do you call a rich elf?
Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Do you have holes in your underwear?
No? Well then how do you put your legs through it?!
Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
Because every play has a cast
Why do birds fly to warmer climates in the winter?
It’s much easier than walking
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words
What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea?
Their crews were marooned
How do you make an octopus laugh?
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee
How does the ocean say hello?
How do you make an artichoke?
You strangle it
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing
Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?
To make up for his miserable summer
Which hand is better to write with?
Neither, it’s better to write with a pen
Why did the math book look so sad?
Because of all its problems
Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?
Because they’re such fungis!
What did one plate whisper to the other plate?
Dinner is on me
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree
Did you hear about the famous pickle?
He was a pretty big dill
What do elves do after school?
Their gnome work
How many lips does a flower have?
Why didn’t the duck pay for her lip gloss?
She wanted to put it on her bill
What do you call a magic dog?
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
What do you call cheese that’s not your cheese?
Why was the picture sent to jail?
It was framed
Which superhero hits the most home runs?
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weekdays.
How do you stop a bull from charging?
Cancel its credit card
Why can’t you trust the king of the jungle?
Because he is always lion
Why did the bicycle fall over?
It was two tired
What do sharks say when something cool happens?
What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work
What do you call a fish with no eye?
What do you call a fly without wings?
Why did the kid throw a stick of butter out the window?
To see butter-fly
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat dessert?
He was stuffed
Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut!
How do you get a squirrel to like you?
Act like a nut.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They’d crack each other up.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I’m not going to spread it!
Dad, can you put my shoes on?
No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
Dad, can you put the cat out?
I didn’t know it was on fire.
What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.
Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
Because the ‘P’ is silent.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip?
I was heels over head!
Can February March?
No, but April May!
How do lawyers say goodbye?
We’ll be suing ya!
Wanna hear a joke about paper?
Never mind—it’s tearable.
What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer?
The space bar.
Why are elevator jokes so classic and good?
They work on many levels.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use a honeycomb.
Is this pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
What’s ET short for?
He’s only got tiny legs.
I was wondering why this frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger.
Then it hit me.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
What’s black and white and goes around and around?
A penguin in a revolving door.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?
Of course. Houses can’t jump.
I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that’s just nuts.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.
What happens when a frog’s car dies?
He needs a jump. If that doesn’t work he has to get it toad.
What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
Can one bird make a pun?
No, but toucan.
When is a door not a door?
When it’s ajar.
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.
How do trees access the internet?
They log in.
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
What do you call a cow during an earthquake?
What is the best Christmas present ever?
A broken drum – you can’t beat it!
How well did I hang up that picture?
I nailed it.
Why should you wear 2 pants when you golf?
In case you get a hole-in-one.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2!
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
What’s the king of all school supplies?
Why don’t oysters share their pearls?
Because they’re shellfish.
Where do frogs deposit their money?
In a river bank.
Why can’t you trust anything balloons say?
They’re full of hot air.
What did the paper say to the pencil?
You’ve got a good point!
What do you call the boss at Old McDonald’s Farm?
Why do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
They’re very scent-imental.
Why are pigs so bad at sports?
They’re always hogging the ball.
Why is a doctor always calm?
Because they have a lot of patients.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can’t tuna fish.
Why are ghosts such bad liars?
You can see right through them.
How do astronomers organize a party?
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line.
Unbearably Bad Dad Jokes For Bigger Kids
Why is a baseball game a good place to go on a hot day?
Because there are lots of fans.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
How did the police finally stop the paint thief?
They caught him red handed.
What state do crayons go to on vacation?
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up a pair of pants.
Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.
Why do geologists hate their jobs?
They get taken for granite.
What did the shoe say to the confused hat?
You go on ahead.
How do you deal with a fear of speed bumps?
You slowly get over it.
Why did the traffic light turn red?
You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
What did the volcano say to his wife?
I lava you so much!
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
What was the most ground-breaking invention?
Why does putting a car in reverse make you nostalgic?
It takes you back.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.
Why do flamingoes life one leg up when they pee?
If they lifted both they’d fall.
What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
Why did the man decide to sell his vacuum?
It was just collecting dust.
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
What do porcupines say when they kiss?
What did the man say to the wall?
One more crack like that and I’ll plaster you.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
Why should you buy socks with holes in them?
It’s the only way to get your feet in.
What’s about a foot long and slippery?
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
If they fell forward they’d still be in the boat.
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
Why should you stay away from trees?
They can be a little shady.
How do you remember which direction the sun rises in?
Eventually, it’ll dawn on you.
Why are mountains so good at telling jokes?
Because they’re hill-areas.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggie.
Why do fish live in saltwater?
Because pepper makes them sneeze!
What did the buffalo say when his kid left for college?
Why can’t you trust stairs?
They’re always up to something.
What do you call a fly without wings?
What’s the tallest building in the world?
The library, it has the most stories.
How do you handle a fear of elevators?
You take steps to avoid them.
When geese fly in V-formation, why is one side longer?
There are more geese on that side.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
Can you drop an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it?
Yes, concrete floors are very hard to break.
How do you lift an elephant with one hand?
You can’t, elephant only have feet.
What looks like half an apple?
The other half.
How do you make an egg roll?
Just give it a little push.
How can you make money while freshening your breath?
Which bear is the most condescending?
What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company?
What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?
Why did the man fall down the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.
Which state has the most streets?
Why did the coach go to the bank?
To get his quarterback.
You’re American when you go into a bathroom and when you come out, but what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle?
What kind of shoes does a lazy person wear?
What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?
What do you call two octopuses that look the same?
What does a house wear?
Which U.S. state is known for its especially small soft drinks?
What do you call a fibbing cat?
Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex?
Because they were watch dogs.
Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
Why did the raisin go out with the prune?
Because he couldn’t find a date.
What happens if you don’t pay the exorcist?
You get repossessed.
What’s the least spoken language in the world?
What do you call a hippie’s wife?
What starts with an “O” and ends with “nions” and sometimes make you cry?
What kind of exercises do lazy people do?
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the middle of the ocean?
What do you call a retired vegetable?
What happened with the kidnapping in the park?
They woke him up.
Have you heard the rumor about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn’t be spreading it.
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weak days.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
Where do mermaids look for jobs?
The kelp-wanted section.
Which football player wears the biggest helmet?
The one with the biggest head
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
Son: No. What happened?
Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Son: Dad, I’m hungry.
Dad: Hi hungry, I’m Dad.
One Liner Dad Jokes
- My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!
- I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
- I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
- I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
- I’ve got a great joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.
- I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.
- I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since.
- I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know which one comes first
- If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?
- I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn’t like it.
- It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad. It’s a faux pa.
- I could tell a joke about pizza, but it’s a little cheesy.
- I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.
- Most people are shocked when they find out how bad an electrician I am.
- To get over claustrophobia, you really need to think outside the box.
- If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
- Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?
- If the early bird gets the worm, I’ll sleep in until there’s pancakes.
- Shouldn’t the “roof” of your mouth actually be called the ceiling?
- I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it’s just a bug going around.
- I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
- I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.
- My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.
- My son put his shoes on the wrong feet. I don’t even know where he got someone else’s feet.
- The cashier asked if I wanted my milk put in a bag. I told him to just leave it in the carton.
- I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
- I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the green.
- A salesman tried to sell me a burial plot. But that’s the last thing I need.
- I couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang. Eventually, it came back to me.
- Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar. That can’t just be a coincidence.
- I tried watching The Neverending Story. I couldn’t finish it.
- A man walks into an apiary and asks the beekeeper for a dozen bees. To which the beekeeper replies, “Sure, and I’ll throw in the 13th as a freebie…”
- Police arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states: Solid, liquid, and gas.
- I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.
- My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.
- The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand it.
- My friend keeps saying “Cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.
- I remember as a kid, my dad got fired from his job as a road worker for theft. I refused to believe he could do such a thing, but when I got home, the signs were all there.
- My friend wants to become an archaeologist, but I’m trying to put him off. I’m convinced his life will be in ruins.
- Did you hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be doing a movie about classical music? He’ll be Bach.
- Chris Hemsworth is Australian, and Thor is from space, does that make him an Austr-alien?
- I was addicted to hokey pokey…but I turned myself around.
- I begin to read a horror novel in Braille. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.