70+ Hilarious Harry Potter Jokes So Funny Even Muggles Will Love Them

letter from Hogwarts

The Wizarding World of Harry Potter has been entertaining the masses since the early 2000s – even longer for the original readers of the books.

Even now that the original fans of the series are adults, there’s still something so magical about dropping back into that world and falling in love with it all over again.

And now, we – the original fans – are able to introduce our children to the amazing story of The Boy Who Lived and his brave, intelligent and loyal friends.

As the story progresses, though, the books and films do tend to get darker, and we may have to ease our children into those last few books and films a little bit at a time.

But as Dumbledore tells us in The Prisoner of Azkaban, “Happiness can be found in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

The Harry Potter-themed jokes we’ve compiled in this list can be the light for you and your little ones the next time things get a little too heavy, not only in the Wizarding World but also in life.

So come with us, through the Gryffin-door to our hilarious magical world of Harry Potter jokes that we’ve specially curated for you to get you and your kids giggling.

Without further ado, check out these 70+ Harry Potter jokes to lighten the mood the next time things become too Sirius.

Funny Harry Potter Jokes
Jokes For Serious Potter-Heads
Harry Potter Knock Knock Jokes
Harry Potter One Liners
Harry Potter Story Jokes

Funny Harry Potter Jokes

How does Harry Potter get rid of a rash?
With quit-itch.

Why is Mad-Eye Moody such a bad professor?
Because he can’t control his pupils.

Why does Neville always use two bathroom stalls?
Because he has a Longbottom.

What do you call two Quidditch players who share a dorm?

How do Death Eaters freshen their breath?
With Dementos.

What do you call the entrance to a magical gym?
A Dumbbell door.

What does Harry Potter have that Voldemort doesn’t?
A nose!

How much does it cost Harry Potter and his friends to watch their favourite sport?
A quid each!

Why does Voldemort prefer Twitter to Facebook?
Because he only has followers, not friends.

On A Scale From One To Ten, How Obsessed With Harry Potter Are You?
About Nine And Three Quarters.

Why did Voldemort cross the road?
Because Harry Potter couldn’t stop him!

Why was Harry Potter sent to the office?
Because he was cursing in class.

Why did Lucius Malfoy cross the road twice?
Because he’s a double-crosser

Why Can’t Harry Potter Tell Apart His Potions Pot And His Best Mate?
Because they’re both cauld-ron.

What is bigfoot’s favorite book?
Hairy Potter.

What do you call a Potterhead on a horse?
Harry Trotter.

Why was Harry Potter sent to Dumbledore’s office?
He was cursing in class.

Why did Snape cross the road twice?
He’s a double crosser!

What’s a wizard’s favourite kind of cereal?
Huffle Puffs.

How does Voldemort know Nagini likes him?
She gives him hugs and hisses!

Why does Professor Snape stand in the middle of the road?
So you’ll never know what side he’s on!

Which side of a centaur has more hair?
The outside.

How do the Malfoy’s enter the room?
They Slytherin!

Why did Crabbe and Goyle cross the road?
They were following Draco.

Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his best friend and his potion pot?
They’re both cauldron!

How would you get a magical creature in your house?
Through the Gryffin-door!

What do you call an electrocuted Dark Lord?

Harry Potter Jokes for Serious Potter-Heads Only!

Only a true Potter-head will understand and appreciate most of the jokes in this next section.

Why doesn’t Voldemort have glasses?
Nobody nose.

What language does the postman use when delivering to Hogwarts?

How do you know if someone is a pureblood?
Oh, don’t worry. They’ll tell you.

What’s the difference between a comma and Crookshanks?
A comma is a pause at the end of a clause, and Crookshanks has claws at the end of his paws.

What do you call a postal carrier that can speak to packages?
A parcel tongue.

Why did Harry Potter get pulled over for speeding?
Because he didn’t expect-no-patrol-man.

Why doesn’t snape teach herbology?
Because his lily died.

Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?
Because it was making him Moody.

Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?
Because they didn’t want to elect Ron.

What do wizards in Harry Potter use instead of laxatives?

What is Aragog’s favourite day of the week?

What do you call a Hufflepuff with one brain cell?

How Many Slytherins Does It Take To Stir A Cauldron?
Just One. He Puts His Wand In The Cauldron And The World Revolves Around Him.

Why is Garrick Ollivander never home?
He’s a wanderer!

Do you know anyone who could teach me to play Quiddich?
I’m sure Oliver Wood.

How many Slytherins does it take to stir a cauldron?
Just one, they’ll put their wand in and the world revolves around them.

Why did Harry Potter cross the road?
No reason. But we’re sure someone will still write fan-fiction about it.

How many Harry Potters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One — he holds it and the world revolves around him.

Which Hogwarts master gets the blame for everything that goes wrong?Which Hogwarts master gets the blame for everything that goes wrong?
Professor Snapegoat!

What did the comedian say to Harry Potter?
Why so Sirius?

Harry Potter Knock Knock Jokes

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
You know.
You know who?
Exactly! Avada kedavra!

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Harry who?
Harry up it’s getting cold out here!

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Dumbledore who?
This dumb o’l door won’t open, please let me in!

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
He who must not be named.
He who must not be named who?
I can’t say who, that’s the whole point!

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Who who?
Hedwig flies away

Harry Potter One Liners

  • I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light-hearted. The fifth one was dead Sirius.
  • A wizard walks into a pub… …and orders a Forgetfulness Potion. He turns to the witch next to him and says, “So, do I come here often?”
  • Anyone else who had committed Voldemort’s crimes would have been riddled with guilt.
  • Are you a Dementor? You just took my breath away.
  • Do you like Harry Potter? Because I a-Dumbledore you!
  • Harry Potter puns can Slytherin to any conversation.
  • I named my lizard Harry just so I can say “You’re a lizard, Harry!”
  • If a wizard gets robbed by a Muggle, has he been Muggled?
  • If you don’t like this Harry Potter joke, there’s something Ron with you!
  • Is your name Oliver Wood? Because you’re definitely a keeper.
  • On a scale of one to ten, how obsessed am I with Harry Potter? 9 and 3/4!
  • Roses are red. Violets are blue. I thought Voldemort was ugly. And then I saw you.
  • These riddikulus Harry Potter puns are something you can Slytherin to any conversation.
  • Two Hungarian Horntails walk into a pub. The first one says, “Sure is hot in here.” The second one snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
  • Voldemorts parents took the “i got your nose” game a bit seriously.
  • Yo mamma has such a sweet tooth, her Patronus is a cake.
  • Did you survive Avada Kedavra? Because you’re drop-dead gorgeous.
  • You don’t get my Harry Potter jokes? There must be some thing RON with you.

Harry Potter Story Jokes

A blind wizard walks into a bar, finds his way to a stool, and sits down. He says rather loudly to the barkeep, “hey, how would you like to hear a Hufflepuff joke?”

The bar goes silent and the barkeep replies, “Sir, I will not lie to you, you are speaking to a Hufflepuff, the man behind you is an Auror from Hufflepuff, the woman to your right is a Hufflepuff dueling champion and we all have our wands drawn. Do you really want to continue?”

The blind wizard goes silent for a moment before curtly replying, “No I don’t. Not if I’m going to have to explain it 3 times.”

Hopefully these jokes and one-liners have helped bring a little good cheer into your life. We like to imagine you went chuckling through them with a butterbeer in one hand and a box of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavour Beans in the other.

If you’re looking for other ways to keep the Harry Potter fun going with your kids, why not undertake a family project and work on recreating some of your favorite scenes, locations and other things from the Wizard World with these amazing Harry Potter LEGO sets?

You and your children can eat delicious wizard-themed snacks, swap some of your favorite Harry Potter-themed jokes and maybe even listen to the movies’ soundtracks while building your very own Hogwarts Express, Diagon Alley or Quidditch Playing Field.

A repeat binge-watching of the films or bedtime reading of the books isn’t the only way to keep the magic of Harry Potter alive, but those are always fun too!

letter from Hogwarts
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