Funny Harry Potter Jokes
How does Harry Potter get rid of a rash?
Why is Mad-Eye Moody such a bad professor?
Because he can’t control his pupils.
Why does Neville always use two bathroom stalls?
Because he has a Longbottom.
What do you call two Quidditch players who share a dorm?
How do Death Eaters freshen their breath?
What do you call the entrance to a magical gym?
A Dumbbell door.
What does Harry Potter have that Voldemort doesn’t?
How much does it cost Harry Potter and his friends to watch their favourite sport?
A quid each!
Why does Voldemort prefer Twitter to Facebook?
Because he only has followers, not friends.
On A Scale From One To Ten, How Obsessed With Harry Potter Are You?
About Nine And Three Quarters.
Why did Voldemort cross the road?
Because Harry Potter couldn’t stop him!
Why was Harry Potter sent to the office?
Because he was cursing in class.
Why did Lucius Malfoy cross the road twice?
Because he’s a double-crosser
Why Can’t Harry Potter Tell Apart His Potions Pot And His Best Mate?
Because they’re both cauld-ron.
What is bigfoot’s favorite book?
What do you call a Potterhead on a horse?
Why was Harry Potter sent to Dumbledore’s office?
He was cursing in class.
Why did Snape cross the road twice?
He’s a double crosser!
What’s a wizard’s favourite kind of cereal?
How does Voldemort know Nagini likes him?
She gives him hugs and hisses!
Why does Professor Snape stand in the middle of the road?
So you’ll never know what side he’s on!
Which side of a centaur has more hair?
How do the Malfoy’s enter the room?
Why did Crabbe and Goyle cross the road?
They were following Draco.
Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his best friend and his potion pot?
They’re both cauldron!
How would you get a magical creature in your house?
Through the Gryffin-door!
What do you call an electrocuted Dark Lord?
Harry Potter Jokes for Serious Potter-Heads Only!
Only a true Potter-head will understand and appreciate most of the jokes in this next section.
Why doesn’t Voldemort have glasses?
What language does the postman use when delivering to Hogwarts?
How do you know if someone is a pureblood?
Oh, don’t worry. They’ll tell you.
What’s the difference between a comma and Crookshanks?
A comma is a pause at the end of a clause, and Crookshanks has claws at the end of his paws.
What do you call a postal carrier that can speak to packages?
A parcel tongue.
Why did Harry Potter get pulled over for speeding?
Because he didn’t expect-no-patrol-man.
Why doesn’t snape teach herbology?
Because his lily died.
Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?
Because it was making him Moody.
Why did the protons vote for Harry Potter to be president?
Because they didn’t want to elect Ron.
What do wizards in Harry Potter use instead of laxatives?
What is Aragog’s favourite day of the week?
What do you call a Hufflepuff with one brain cell?
How Many Slytherins Does It Take To Stir A Cauldron?
Just One. He Puts His Wand In The Cauldron And The World Revolves Around Him.
Why is Garrick Ollivander never home?
He’s a wanderer!
Do you know anyone who could teach me to play Quiddich?
I’m sure Oliver Wood.
How many Slytherins does it take to stir a cauldron?
Just one, they’ll put their wand in and the world revolves around them.
Why did Harry Potter cross the road?
No reason. But we’re sure someone will still write fan-fiction about it.
How many Harry Potters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One — he holds it and the world revolves around him.
Which Hogwarts master gets the blame for everything that goes wrong?Which Hogwarts master gets the blame for everything that goes wrong?
What did the comedian say to Harry Potter?
Why so Sirius?
Harry Potter Knock Knock Jokes
You know who?
Exactly! Avada kedavra!
Harry up it’s getting cold out here!
This dumb o’l door won’t open, please let me in!
He who must not be named.
He who must not be named who?
I can’t say who, that’s the whole point!
Hedwig flies away
Harry Potter One Liners
- I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light-hearted. The fifth one was dead Sirius.
- A wizard walks into a pub… …and orders a Forgetfulness Potion. He turns to the witch next to him and says, “So, do I come here often?”
- Anyone else who had committed Voldemort’s crimes would have been riddled with guilt.
- Are you a Dementor? You just took my breath away.
- Do you like Harry Potter? Because I a-Dumbledore you!
- Harry Potter puns can Slytherin to any conversation.
- I named my lizard Harry just so I can say “You’re a lizard, Harry!”
- If a wizard gets robbed by a Muggle, has he been Muggled?
- If you don’t like this Harry Potter joke, there’s something Ron with you!
- Is your name Oliver Wood? Because you’re definitely a keeper.
- On a scale of one to ten, how obsessed am I with Harry Potter? 9 and 3/4!
- Roses are red. Violets are blue. I thought Voldemort was ugly. And then I saw you.
- These riddikulus Harry Potter puns are something you can Slytherin to any conversation.
- Two Hungarian Horntails walk into a pub. The first one says, “Sure is hot in here.” The second one snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
- Voldemorts parents took the “i got your nose” game a bit seriously.
- Yo mamma has such a sweet tooth, her Patronus is a cake.
- Did you survive Avada Kedavra? Because you’re drop-dead gorgeous.
- You don’t get my Harry Potter jokes? There must be some thing RON with you.
Harry Potter Story Jokes
A blind wizard walks into a bar, finds his way to a stool, and sits down. He says rather loudly to the barkeep, “hey, how would you like to hear a Hufflepuff joke?”
The bar goes silent and the barkeep replies, “Sir, I will not lie to you, you are speaking to a Hufflepuff, the man behind you is an Auror from Hufflepuff, the woman to your right is a Hufflepuff dueling champion and we all have our wands drawn. Do you really want to continue?”
The blind wizard goes silent for a moment before curtly replying, “No I don’t. Not if I’m going to have to explain it 3 times.”